What Does the Bible Say About Fighting With Family
Not sure how to deal with toxic family unit members Biblically? Don't let them slowly drive y'all insane. Here's what the Bible says about cut people out of your life.
Are you struggling to figure out how to deal with toxic family members Biblically?
Maybe you've been wondering, "What does the Bible say about cutting people out of your life?" and now you're looking upwards Bible verses about toxic family or Bible verses nearly toxic relationships in general.
Maybe you lot aren't fifty-fifty certain if you are dealing with toxic family members or if your family is simply annoying.
You lot know you lot want to be a good Christian and do the right thing, but it seems like no matter how much y'all love, forgive and turn the other cheek, the mistreatment never stops — just gets worse.
The situation is completely unhealthy, everyone involved is miserable, and null is working, no thing how much you try.
You lot want to be kind, but they're driving you crazy, and you're not sure what to do.
And then now you're wondering, "What does the Bible say nigh dealing with toxic relationships?"
The good news is, if you have toxic people in your life or you are in a toxic relationship, you are not alone!
In fact, I had a sweetness reader ask me how to deal with toxic family members Biblically not that long ago, and I idea y'all might do good from hearing my answer to her as well.
Later all, as Christians, we don't just want to go off on our loved ones or respond in anger and injure. You don't desire to starting time cutting people out of your life or cutting ties with toxic family members or friends for no reason.
We want to know how to deal with toxic family members Biblically then we can use these Bible's wisdom to guide our deportment.
Then with that in heed, hither'due south my best advice on how to respond to toxic family members Biblically. I hope information technology helps.
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Reader Question: How Practice I Deal With Toxic Family unit Members Biblically?
My relationship with my family isn't a healthy ane. Both my parents and my siblings conspicuously favor my sister and her kids over me and mine, and it hurts me and my kids the way this favoritism is displayed.
For example, they don't visit me unless they need favors and they brush my concerns aside when I try to share how their actions make me experience. My feelings are minimized, dismissed and discarded. Information technology's hurtful.
Even my kids are aware of this blatant favoritism. They ask questions about why their cousins go more attention, etc, and information technology breaks my heart.
I desire to remain respectful to my parents and siblings, notwithstanding this has been happening for over v years at present with no signs of remorse, and I don't know how to make them empathise how hurtful their actions are to me and my children.
How tin can I handle this without going against God's words or teachings? What does the Bible say about cutting people out of your life?
Offset of all, I'g distressing you are dealing with this.
Merely I practice recollect it'south corking that you're asking, "What does the Bible say about toxic family members?" rather than but lashing out in response to your hurt feelings.
In this post, I'm going to share my best stride-past-footstep advice for learning how to deal with toxic family members Biblically.
Only before nosotros get there, let'southward commencement by identifying the signs of a toxic human relationship.
Related: How to set Biblical Boundaries equally a Christian
Signs of a Toxic Human relationship
You may exist wondering, "Am I in a toxic human relationship with my family unit?" Or, "Is my sister a toxic person?"
Let's turn to the Bible for an answer.
The Bible describes what beloved is supposed to look like in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Information technology says:
" Dear is patient, love is kind. It does not green-eyed, it does non boast, it is non proud. It does non dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no tape of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It e'er protects, ever trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Now, if we take the opposite of 1 Corinthians 13:4-seven, what do we see?
We see several signs of a toxic person or signs of a toxic relationship:
-
- Lacks patience
- Is verbally and/or physically abusive
- Acts jealous over every petty thing
- Boasts excessively
- Is excessively prideful
- Dishonors others
- Is self-seeking
- Reminds others of past mistakes
- Delights in your pain or suffering
- Neglects or refuses to protect or defend you lot
- Refuses to trust
- Lacks hope
- Gives up hands
If your friends and family members are just annoying, it'due south probably all-time to give them grace and try to overlook their faults, if speaking with them doesn't help.
If yous read these signs of a toxic relationships, however, and thought, "Yep. I definitely take toxic family unit members," then this article on how to bargain with toxic family members Biblically is definitely for you.
What Does The Bible Say About Toxic Family Members?
So now that we've identified the signs of a toxic relationship, what should we do about information technology? Do we take to "play nice" because they're family unit, or is cutting people out of your life ever okay? What does the Bible say about cutting ties with family?
Allow'due south take a look.
As Christians, many of us are aware of these Bible verses:
"But to you lot who are listening I say: Love your enemies, practice skilful to those who hate you, anoint those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps yous on ane cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, practise not withhold your shirt from them. Requite to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, practice not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to y'all." — Luke 6:27-31
And yes, we absolutely should dearest our enemies. But I think sometimes we forget what dear really means.
Loving someone well does not mean e'er playing "dainty," always being the peacemaker, or just letting other people walk all over yous. This isn't dearest–it's called enabling.
A amend definition of dearest would be: honoring the truthful nobility of another person, acknowledging their inherent worth as human beings, created and loved by God, and doing everything in your power to practice adept for them and to act in their best interest.
Aye, information technology absolutely can include being "kind" (run into i Cor. 13:iv again), merely information technology'south and so much more than that. And in fact, if you really examine the way Jesus behaves in the Gospels, his actions aren't e'er what nosotros consider "prissy."
When a Canaanite woman asks Jesus for his assist in Matthew xv:26, "He replied, 'It is not correct to have the children'southward bread and toss it to the dogs.'"
Jesus tells the Pharisees, "You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say annihilation good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of" in Matthew 12:34.
And let's not forget how "Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling in that location. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves" in Matthew 21:12.
Now, I wouldn't actually recommend you calling your in-laws dogs or vipers or flipping their tables! My indicate here is Just that the Bible does not teach us that we need to be super polite, calm and passive to the point of being walked over and enabling others in their sins.
In fact, Jesus instructs the apostles to "leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet" in Matthew 10:14 and to "care for [unrepentant sinners] as y'all would a pagan or a tax collector" in Matthew 18:17.
Jesus'due south plan for our lives isn't to make us "nice." It'due south to make usa (and our loved ones) holy. Sometimes that ways treating others kindly. But other times that means protecting ourselves and our families instead of protecting the feelings of others who insist on pursuing sinful attitudes or behaviors.
See also: Yes, Christians Should Judge
How to Deal With Toxic Family Members Biblically
So since the Bible doesn't teach us to be passive doormats, how should we deal with toxic family members Biblically?
Here's what I would advise:
1. Assess the Situation Honestly
Toxic family members are abrasive. And then information technology only makes sense that you might become worked up when your friends and family unit members start showing the signs of a toxic person or you lot start noticing the many signs of a toxic relationship.
Before you become too worked up, though, take a stride dorsum and assess the situation honestly:
- Is the other person actually toxic, or simply abrasive, thoughtless, etc?
- Is the problem serious enough to warrant action, or can you lot merely overlook information technology for the sake of family unity?
- Are you lot sure the other person'southward actions are intentional, not merely perceived?
- What type of consequence is the beliefs having on you and your family?
- What accept yous done to remedy the situation in the past, if anything?
- Have you actually told the other person how yous are feeling, and what y'all'd similar to change?
- Are things getting better, staying the aforementioned, or getting worse?
In the best-case scenario: you may realize that the other party truly didn't mean to injure you lot and that they were unaware that their beliefs was coming across so hurtful. If this is the example, then you lot may simply need to take a conversation.
Alternately, if the beliefs is purposeful but pocket-sized enough in nature, y'all may simply be able to ignore it or avoid the situation when possible. Life isn't perfect and people are annoying, and sometimes we just have to deal with annoying people.
Yeah, there are absolutely times when you may need to accept activeness (there are times when cut people out of your life is the right choice to make), but let'due south not bound there quite yet.
Can the behavior just be resolved or overlooked? If so (and the situation isn't serious), then kickoff here.
two. Have Responsibleness for Whatever Wrongdoing on Your Part
Next, allow's take a infinitesimal to look at yourself and any office you may accept played in the issue: Accept you washed annihilation to make the situation worse? Or failed to practise something to make the situation better?
While the situation may non exist ultimately "your fault" (especially in cases of outright abuse), once we reach adulthood, each of u.s. is responsible for and answerable for our own actions.
And this is good news! Because it means that you take the power and ability to choose different actions, and to ameliorate your situation.
It's fourth dimension to get honest with yourself.
- Have y'all said or done annihilation hurtful to the other person? (even unintentionally!)
- Have you always failed to care for them equally kindly or every bit respectfully as you should have?
- Take you always been selfish, cocky-centered or mean-spirited?
Again, I'm not saying the mistreatment is your fault. But if yous have washed (or continue to do) things that hurt the other party, they may be acting out of that hurt. And a heartfelt apology for whatsoever wrongdoings on your office may exist merely what the other person needs to heal.
You aren't responsible for them, simply you are responsible and answerable for YOU — no matter what they've washed to "deserve it."
3. Set Healthy, Biblical Boundaries With Family unit
Side by side, once you've gotten honest about the situation and the role you lot may take played in it, it's fourth dimension to fix some Biblical boundaries with family members and friends who may demand them.
What behaviors volition you accept? Which behaviors will y'all not accept? Where is the boundary?
When you are dealing with people and situations who are truly toxic, manipulative, crazy or even calumniating, it tin can actually make yous question your sanity and your decision making! You want to do the right affair, merely you may question what the right thing is or what requests are reasonable. Information technology tin can exist hard to tell.
That'southward where Boundaries does a slap-up chore of laying out a Biblical framework to help you understand what truly is your responsibility, what requests are unreasonable, where y'all should describe the line, and how you tin can do then without guilt.
Y'all can find Boundaries at your local library or on Amazon here.
Here's the advice I gave the reader to a higher place:
Personally, I would explain, incredibly politely, that while you dearest them, y'all cannot allow them to proceed to hurt you and your children in this way.
(If y'all fifty-fifty desire to explain at all. I mean, you lot've had this conversation several times at present. I don't know if it is necessary to say anything else.)
I would exist conscientious to be equally unemotional, straightforward and polite equally possible, to avoid maxim annihilation that could be taken as accusatory, and to only speak out of your business concern for the children.
For case, "We've spoken with you several times virtually how we experience every bit though you favor the other family over usa. This has really injure us and our family, as we want to accept a relationship with you also, merely it never seems to happen. Unfortunately, I cannot allow my children to have their hopes upwardly and be and so disappointed every fourth dimension. For this reason, we will not be spending as much fourth dimension with you" etc etc in your ain words.
And then, if they call, you lot're busy or cannot assistance them out at this time.
(Which is true–you are busy… doing anything else other than being mistreated by toxic family members… fifty-fifty if that's simply washing the dishes or playing with the kids. That counts equally busy.)
And so what practise healthy, biblical boundaries with family look like for you?
Do you need to limit visits or restrict your visits to a certain format? (For example, perhaps you lot are happy to call on the telephone, merely you can no longer visit in person.)
Exercise y'all need to set up the boundary that you can only visit X times a yr, that you lot tin merely give X dollars a month, or that you will only continue to be around them only as long every bit the conversation remains salubrious and polite.
Seek wise counsel from friends and family you trust to brand sure your boundaries are reasonable, permit the other party know what your boundaries are, and and so stick to them.
There'south no need to feel guilty. The Bible encourages y'all to set Biblical boundaries with family unit where necessary.
(And if y'all still experience guilty, read the Boundaries volume. It will assistance you figure out how to deal with toxic family members Biblically without feeling then guilty about it!)
four. Stick to Your Boundaries!
In one case you've set your boundaries and told your friends and family unit members where they are — this is the hard part. You have to stick to the boundaries you've set!
I know, learning how to deal with toxic family members Biblically isn't piece of cake… It takes time and practise, and you won't get it all right the beginning fourth dimension, but stick with it.
Because if you're continually "angle the rules," your family will but acquire that your "rules" aren't really rules at all.
Seek Godly counsel, determine (through prayer) where your boundaries should be, and then stick to them!
5. Pray!
Sometimes the most loving affair you lot can do in a relationship is simply to pray for the other person.
This is why God commands us, "But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, practice good to those who detest you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you " in Luke 6:27-28.
Pray that God would heal their hurt, that he would open up their optics to their behavior, and that your relationship could be restored.
Pray that God would assist you honey your toxic family members more, and that He would give y'all wisdom to bargain with them wisely.
God will help you lot larn how to respond to toxic family unit members — you merely have to inquire!
six. Forgive
At present, I know yous may feel very angry or resentful towards the toxic family members and friends who have hurt y'all and ruined your relationships, but the Bible is clear: We have to forgive, even when we don't feel like it.
We encounter this in Mark 11:25, which says, "And when yous stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you lot your sins."
Delight empathize, though: Forgiving someone doesn't mean that what they did is okay or that they shouldn't receive any consequences for their activeness.
You lot can still ready Biblical boundaries and plow an abuser in to the authorities if needed.
Merely we have a responsibility to forgive others (even and particularly our enemies) if we want God to forgive us as well.
Related Reading: 4 Things Every Christian Needs to Know About Forgiveness
7. Close the Door
So far in this article, I've tried to help you answer the following questions:
- Am I in a toxic relationship?
- What are the signs of a toxic person / signs of a toxic relationship?
- What does the Bible say about toxic family unit members / how to deal with toxic family members Biblically?
If you accept done all of the to a higher place to the best of your power, then it may exist time for you to inquire the terminal question: "What does the Bible say nigh cutting ties with family unit / cutting people out of your life?"
The truth is: While information technology would be awesome if nosotros could all become forth, the truth is that nosotros practise have free will, and some people choose to use theirs in a style that interferes with God's best for our lives.
And when this happens, we don't take to stay stuck in toxic, abusive relationships.
God walks away from stubborn, sinful people at times (Romans 1:24-28). Jesus had times where he walked away (Matthew 12:34). And we have the Biblical right to walk away as well.
God opens doors, but we often forget that he closes them, too.
Sometimes, equally unfortunate equally it is, when in that location is nothing more nosotros can do, nosotros demand to just step back and permit GOD deal with it in a style that but He can. And that's okay.
Have y'all ever had to bargain with toxic family members Biblically (or friends)? What helpful advice would you offer to our anonymous reader on how to deal with toxic family unit members Biblically?
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